The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
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i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
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Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.