If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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