I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
