i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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