How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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