Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
