You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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