People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I AM VODKA MAN
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
