I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
