I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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