What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
