I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
