Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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