He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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