I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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