Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am spending my child support on dildos
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
