He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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