Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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