i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
