nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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