i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
