i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
