I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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