If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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