Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
