Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
