im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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