based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
