It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
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if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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