i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Can I color on your dick again?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
