Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
