I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
