Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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