...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
