I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
