Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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