well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
