She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
