i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
