Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We have started to decorate penises.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
