He kissed a someone with a penis
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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