he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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