Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
