ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
