My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
