omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse