just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
