My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
