My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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