I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
