thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
