"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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