Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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