Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
