I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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