my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
