I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize