Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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