I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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