Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
