I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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